If aliens arrived tomorrow, what’s the first thing you’d ask them?
“Are we food or friends?”
It sounds flippant, but I think I’d want to establish if humans are on the menu before anything else.
If aliens had managed to cross interstellar space and arrive here, almost every question I could think of — Where are you from? How did you get here? Is there other intelligent life? What do you know about the universe? — could wait. First I’d want to know what they wanted from us.
“Food or friends?” is really shorthand for: Do you recognise us as beings with whom you can have a relationship, or merely as another resource on a planet you have discovered?
And perhaps that would tell us something uncomfortable about ourselves. Human history is full of encounters in which the technologically stronger party has treated the weaker one as a resource: land to occupy, minerals to extract, animals to eat, people to exploit. We would suddenly be on the other side of that equation.
So I wouldn’t begin by asking them about warp drives, immortality or the meaning of life.
I’d establish whether we were on the menu.
Then, assuming the answer was “friends”, I’d have several billion questions.
What are you doing here? What do you want? Am I in danger? Are you in danger? Are we all in danger? Shouldn’t you be in quarantine? Have you brought anything contagious? Do you want to borrow my umbrella? Are you armed? Do you have arms? Is that an arm? How many arms have you got? Are you male? Female? Neither? Seven genders? That’s a lot. Do you think we’ve got the number right? What did you say your name was? Could you spell that for me? Is there a shorter version? Have you understood a single word I’m saying? What language are you hearing me in? Have you been watching us for long? How long exactly? You saw the 1980s, then? Any thoughts? Did you understand New Romanticism? Have you heard of David Bowie? Please tell me you’ve heard of David Bowie. What do you think of that Elton John/Dua Lipa song? Do you have music? Harmony? Rhythm? Dancing? Is that what you’re doing now? Are you cold? Is that why you’re trembling? Or is that laughter? Do you have jokes? Was the probe joke yours? Did you appear in the first season of Star Trek? Were you consulted? Where did you get that jacket? Is that actually a jacket? Have you got a sister? Do you come here often? Am I flirting with you? Is that offensive? I know we’ve only just met, but how do you reproduce? Actually, should I have asked that? How old are you? How old is your species? Did you invent agriculture? Did that go as badly for you as it did for us? Do you have money? Billionaires? Why? Do you have politicians? Are they any good? Do they lie? Do you vote? Do you have councils? Planning committees? Minutes? Have you invented bureaucracy, or is that one of ours? Do you have war? No? Really? What did you do with it? If yes, what do you fight about? Territory? Religion? Parking? Is there a God? Are you God? How many gods are there? Have any of them actually met us? Are they disappointed? Is the universe conscious? Are plants conscious? Are animals? Are rocks? Are you? Am I? Is this conversation being recorded? By whom? Do you know what happens after death? Reincarnation? Ghosts? Telepathy? Dreams? Do you dream? Do you know when you’re dreaming? Have you solved ageing? Cancer? Stupidity? Can you live forever? Would you want to? Have you fixed your climate? Can you fix ours? Will you? Are you waiting for us to ask properly? Do you have dogs? Cats? Something better? Do you eat animals? Do animals eat you? What colour is your blood? Why are you looking at my neck like that? Would you like something to drink? Water? Is water poisonous to you? Tea? Coffee? Wine? Actually, can you metabolise alcohol? Do you need to use the lavatory? Do you even have lavatories? Do you have an umbrella? The forecast says rain. Do you have weather? Snow? Mountains? Skiing? Are you into skiing? Where did you go to school? Was it boarding? Did you hate games afternoons too? Are there thousands of inhabited worlds? Millions? Billions? Are we primitive? How primitive? Bronze Age with Wi-Fi? Are we embarrassing? Are we dangerous? Are we interesting? Are we rare? Are we ordinary? Have you met anyone nicer? Have you met anyone worse? Faster-than-light travel: possible? Have you done it? How? No, seriously, how? Can I see the engine? Can I touch that? Should I not touch that? Why is it glowing? Why is the floor vibrating? Is that normal? Can I come with you? Just for a look? Do I need a passport? Is there a seatbelt? Is there food on board? Sorry — bad choice of word. You are definitely not going to eat me, are you? We are friends, aren’t we? Why are the doors closing? Why are we moving? What happens if I press this? What do you mean, “please don’t”? Which one gets us back to Earth? Is that Earth? Why is it getting smaller? And you still haven’t answered the food question.
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