Has your idea of what makes a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older?
I think it has, although perhaps not in quite the way the question suggests.
Growing up, I always wanted a proper girlfriend. Not simply someone to go out with, kiss, or fall in love with, but someone who would also be my friend. In her various guises, she might be a friend, a lover, or both. And when I eventually found someone who was both, she became my best friend.
Did I put all my eggs in one basket? Perhaps. But it was a rather good basket.
I’ve always preferred female company. I find conversations with women easier, more interesting, and often more revealing. Yet when I was young, there was invariably that ambiguity. Could a girl simply be a friend? Did I want her to be? Did she want something more? Could a friendship survive if one of us fell in love with the other?
And could all these women remain friends forever? Why not?
What has changed with age is the context. Being happily married, having raised a family, and having built a life together gives friendships a different foundation. Particularly when the women concerned are themselves in settled relationships.
There is no longer that fine line between friendship and something else. Or, rather, the line is so clearly understood that it scarcely needs to be drawn.
I can enjoy female friendships for precisely what they are: friendships. The pleasure of someone’s company, a shared curiosity, laughter, conversation, affection, mutual respect. Nothing needs to be pursued, negotiated or resolved.
Perhaps that’s what has changed most. When I was younger, friendship with a woman might be the beginning of something. Now it can be something complete in itself.
And what makes a good friend? Probably much the same things as ever: trust, loyalty, humour, honesty, curiosity, and the pleasure of being together.
The difference is that I’ve stopped wondering what else a friendship might become.
It is already enough.
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