How do you manage stress?
I manage stress far better than I used to. It has taken me much of a lifetime to understand what causes it, how I respond to it, and, most importantly, how to prevent it from taking hold in the first place.
As a child, teenager and young adult, my instinctive response to stress was the classic fight-or-flight reaction, with flight being by far the more common. Indeed, it often didn’t even get that far. If something made me uncomfortable, anxious or unhappy, I would dodge it, walk away, put it off or quietly ignore it, hoping the problem might somehow resolve itself without my intervention.
When escape wasn’t an option, the opposite could happen. I would become increasingly wound up, defensive and adversarial. I could argue my corner with all the intensity of a barrister, constructing a case, marshaling evidence and challenging every perceived injustice. I might even win the argument, but that didn’t mean I had resolved the problem. Quite the reverse. I had usually raised the temperature for everyone concerned, myself included.
Looking back through my teenage diaries, I can see this pattern repeatedly. Faced with authority, unreasonable demands, personal disappointments or situations beyond my control, I was much better at reacting than responding. I had plenty of intellectual confidence but considerably less emotional intelligence. I could analyse a situation academically while completely failing to recognise what was happening to me emotionally.
Experience, education and a good deal of reflection have taught me a better approach.
The first principle is to reduce the likelihood of stress occurring at all. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise regularly, stay organised and keep on top of the ordinary demands of life. Don’t allow small, manageable problems to accumulate until they become overwhelming. And don’t fuel an already overstimulated nervous system with excessive caffeine, alcohol or anything else that compromises judgement, mood or sleep.
Sleep is particularly important. I’ve come to regard it as one of life’s most underrated skills. Seven hours of good sleep, regular physical activity and a reasonably ordered day give me a much better chance of responding calmly to whatever comes along.
Swimming, walking and exercise have always helped. There is something wonderfully restorative about the rhythm of swimming, the concentration required to maintain technique and the physical satisfaction of moving through water. I can emerge from a swim with a completely different perspective on something that had seemed insurmountable an hour earlier.
The second principle is to recognise stress before reacting to it. What exactly is happening? What has triggered this response? Am I tired, frustrated, disappointed, anxious about an outcome or simply irritated because something isn’t going my way? Is there a genuine problem requiring action, or am I responding emotionally to something I have misunderstood?
And perhaps the most useful question of all: what is actually within my control?
I have also learnt that avoiding something uncomfortable rarely makes it disappear. There is a considerable difference between choosing not to engage in a pointless confrontation and running away from a problem that needs addressing. Equally, there is a difference between standing up for something that matters and turning every disagreement into a courtroom drama.
These days I try to give myself sufficient time and space to think before responding. I don’t always succeed. My impulsive younger self is still in there somewhere, ready to take flight or prepare the prosecution’s case!
But I am increasingly able to recognise him.
Ultimately, managing stress is less about developing an extraordinary capacity to withstand pressure than about understanding myself, maintaining a healthy mind and body, and learning to respond thoughtfully rather than react instinctively.
My teenage ambition was mens sana in corpore sano — a sound mind in a sound body. Sixty-five years into life, I think I am finally beginning to understand just how much emotional intelligence belongs in that equation.
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